Notes from 2025
Scraps from here and there.
I attended a workshop where we read Ordinary Notes by Christina Sharpe, which inspired me to do this. Happy New Year!
Unknown Date.
“I want to embrace this world. I want to embrace life.”
“Why do I find it so difficult to embrace this world? This life?” — Han Kang
18 September 2025.
I’m not really proud of myself, but I’m somewhat pleased with myself.
Unknown date.
I complimented a beautiful woman’s beautiful arms and I did not know I was supposed to be embarrassed by my honesty, until someone strongly reacts much later when I tell the story. My emotions are too matter-of-fact. They do not hold weight inside of me, but they fall ungracefully at others feet.
5 November 2025.
Someone’s jazzy piano alarm was going off in the library. They took care of it. The connotation of took care is so intense. Mafia-like. The words themselves are more gentle than that. The moment itself was gentle. The woman turned off her alarm. It was fine, it simply was.
Taking care of. Why does it feel so tense? Maybe the implication that something is wrong so it must be fixed.
Unknown date.
I can’t write a love poem. I don’t really write about things that make me happy. I just let the happiness happen. No need for dissection, it just is. Same with love. The people I love and loved most I can gush about, but I don’t write about them.
19 June 2025.
How comfortable men get. To look me in the eye and tell me you like your lunch how you like your women: Asian and easy.
Disgusting.
9 July 2025. #NotAllMen
A man will think about his sins, forgive himself, then expect you to welcome him.
17 August 2025.
I’m wearing a watch I bought for someone else because I wanted it more than I wanted them.
15 October 2025. (Feeling sympathetic)
Moments of sympathy: Rejection is hard. Loneliness is a bitch. We are social creatures and other’s opinions impact us, significant, insignificant, etc. None of it makes any one person singularly special or alone.
“I am the worst person that I know.”
Okay, fine. Sure. Congratulations. Do you want to work on getting out of that pit together? Do you like that pit? Do you like wallowing in your self-fulfilling prophecy? Do you want a hand up and out? Will you bite it and watch it recoil and reassure yourself that you were right — that everyone hates you and leaves you? Do the shadows on the wall give you enough entertainment to live out the rest of your long, lonely life?
17 October 2025. (Feeling less sympathetic)
Congratulations! You are the most self-aware human being on the planet! Your esteem is nowhere to be found! And anyone who says any different is a filthy, fucking saccharine liar!
Unknown date.
We’re all so self-obsessed, ugh. But what a relief, isn’t it? You are the one thinking the most about yourself. Not your friends, your family, your lover, and definitely not the people who spurned you.
5 November 2025.
“Ours is a country of words: Talk. Talk.” — Mahmoud Darwish
I grew up with my Mom playing the piano for several churches. At one point, I went to 3 services every Sunday. I learned just how many ways men will hide their hate with language that speaks of love.
Writers often talk about speaking truth. Lies are made of words, too. Different stories hold different truths. I’m less interested in “truth” and more about dismantling harm and identifying when people are lying to you. Identify the bullshit, tear down structures of shame shrouded by the language of “truth”.
Softspoken religious leaders say not to worry about the violence happening far away from you. It’s a part of a larger plan. Don’t worry about it! Self care! Become comfortable with your complicity. Quiet the part of your soul that empathizes.
You were born. You’re in this world. You’re part of the larger plan, too.
December.
Everything is sad and romantic and devastating and uplifting and you want to watch one specific actor over and over again in different movies which is easy because they’re a good actor and have a great filmography and maybe life is grand and maybe life is pointless and maybe everyone is out to get you but maybe everyone’s forgotten you exist and maybe your life is over but your life hasn’t even begun and then you get your period.
31 December 2025.
I need to do something.
